And then I got a haircut

I don’t know if my hair has been growing faster than normal or time is just passing in a different way. My relationship with time is nebulous at best lately. Yesterday afternoon I decided to schedule an appointment to get my hair cut. I had been going to the same stylist for over a year or so, but this time I decided to see a different stylist. I don’t know why I made this decision, it just felt right.

The stylist and I were chit-chatting as she started cutting my mop, I don’t remember what brought it on but I mentioned that I was vegan. She asked how long I had been a vegan and why I had made that decision. I told her it had been 6-8 months or so and she again asked why. I was hesitant at first as the reason I became vegan is very personal to me, but I decided what the heck.

I told her that a few years ago I had become very suicidal and made it out the other side. After I wasn’t suicidal any longer I got to thinking that if I had the compassion not to kill myself how could I justify taking a life to sustain myself. It didn’t make any sense to me at all. It was as if I had flipped a light switch, once I had that thought I stopped eating meat and animal products.

She asked more about my suicidality and what had happened and how I had transitioned out of that place. As I sat there telling parts of my story to her I looked up in the mirror and saw that she had tears coming down her face. She stopped and said that she too struggles with suicide. I could see that talking about it was very hard for her.

Talking about our own personal struggles in that dark place is hard, we feel shame and fear. We don’t think others can relate, that they could even begin to understand. I could understand though, I had been there.

Maybe this is why I changed stylists today so that we could connect, be able to talk about it, to see there is hope. Suicide is a very dark and lonely place, we long for connection and understanding. Today I was able to be that for her, we connected, we shared, its the same story.

As I paid and was preparing to leave she reached out and hugged me, I told her that I am here and that if she ever needed to talk, to just call me.