One Year of Solitude

So its been about a year since I moved to the island. A year of quiet, solitude, observing nature, introspection, and change.

No sirens
No constant drone of the city
No solicitors

Owls
Bats
Birds
The smell of the earth and the forest

I have spent quite sometime looking at the nature of myself, loneliness, and solitude.

It isn’t always easy, in fact its sometimes outright terrifying.

Being alone by choice has been illuminating, it has shown me who I am, my wants and desires, my fears and joys. When there is no one around to converse with, you end up conversing with yourself a lot. When there is no one around to blame you realize that everything is you. Sometimes I try and blame the dog, but then I remember that its just me. read more

I Don’t Have Time for This

Yesterday someone posed a question to me.
“How has your relationship to the concept of TIME changed (if it has) since not being suicidal?”

After hearing this I laughed and thought, completely, utterly and yet not at all.

First off what is time?
According to Merriam-Webster

Time – noun
1 The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues.
2 A nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future. read more

So far

Where to start?
I guess I could start at the beginning and tell you all about the traumas and PTSD, my failings and grievances.
I think ill start by telling you where I am now.

I live in the forest on Orcas Island, in the middle of a nature preserve. I am surrounded by the eagle, the deer, the owl.
I’ve been here for 9 months now and each day I awake to a new wonder, the unfolding and ever changing splendor of nature.
Recently I adopted a 12 year old shepherd/husky mix, she spends the days napping and chasing birds or the occasional raccoon.
Over these 9 months I have witnessed the land go from Fall to Winter to Spring. Seeing the forest slowly go from a vibrant green to a sullen grey as winter arrived only to emerge now in a vibrant explosion of verdant green. This makes me think of how life is somewhat the same. We go from times of joy and happiness, to times of pain and suffering and if we can just sit be with ourselves in the times of pain and suffering and listen to life, we can yet again come back to times of joy and happiness. Its in the darkness that we begin to understand the dichotomy of existence, that we find the light. read more

So, I Adopted a Wolf

I recently made the decision to adopt a senior dog. I thought about it a lot for the past few months. I was thinking of initially getting a puppy, but then I realized that is a long-term commitment. That brought up all kinds of things for me.

“Kurt, you struggle with sharing the same space with other people for the long term.”
“Kurt, you haven’t had any relationship last more than 3-5 yrs in the past many years.”
” What if you get fed up and tired of the puppy a few years in?”
“You already surrendered one dog many years ago because you didn’t make time for her.” read more

Solitude

I have started noticing the nearly imperceptible shifts of the seasons, the comings and goings of time upon the land. Each day brings a new change to this place, the Canary grass is just a bit taller, and the deer frequent the pond now to eat and drink. The return of my winged friends each morning as the sun crests the hill. The frogs have started singing late into the evening as I drift off to sleep.

When I lived elsewhere, I barely noticed the changes. The business of city life created a veil over my senses that blinded me to the subtle shifts of the earth, of how the cycles of life unfold all around us. read more

NightSong

It’s been about 6 months since moving out to the Island.
I guess I should describe where I live now.
The land I am on is just over 5 acres. It is forested with alder, and fir trees mostly.
Towards the back of the property is a wetland and pond that I believe are there year-round.

Beneath the trees lies a carpet of ferns and moss covering the forest floor. Out towards the pond, there is what is called “canary grass”, it’s a green wide-bladed grass that gets about 4 feet tall. Most of the land has never been cleared, there are downed trees, nurse logs, branches, and more sticks than you could ever pick up.
Half of the land is in a preservation trust, which means that I cannot build on it. At first, this caused me concern. Then I did some research and discovered that all the land I can see from my cabin has also been placed in the preservation trust. No one can build on it, ever. This means that I basically live in a preserve, a nature sanctuary and I will never see another house from my cabin. read more

On Jumping Rope

How is jumping rope just like life?

A few weeks ago, I hired a coach with a specific goal in mind, cut 10 min off my 10K time at Ancient Lakes in April 2023. That is roughly five months to reduce 10K by 1 min per kilometer. I didn’t think those numbers through, and in retrospect, it may be a bit aggressive. But I know I can do it.

So, where does the jump rope come in? Part of my prescribed training plan includes jumping rope one day a week. there are two options 45 double unders or 90 singles. Since I can’t do double unders, yet, I am doing singles. Oh, and I get to do ten sets of that in 30 minutes. Easy I thought. read more

Fear of Falling

I decided to get out of town for a few days. I needed a break. The nonstop onslaught of political news was dying down. We have leadership that is committed to dealing with the crisis we are all experiencing. I was weary from staying at home for so long. I needed a change of environs. So I booked an Airbnb and decided to have a small retreat just for myself.

I haven’t read the news in 3 days now. I sometimes find myself opening the CNN or local news website, but I catch myself and shut it down. I have spent my hours thinking, writing, and just being. My stress level has dropped considerably. read more

Making the Darkness Visible

I have always been very open about who I am and the struggles I have gone through. I hide none of it and don’t intend to. As a culture and society, we are reluctant to share our deep dark secrets, the things we have struggled with, and where we think we have failed. Life can be an absolute shit show at times, if we can accept this and examine it, we can grow.

Why do we do this? Are we afraid of what people will think of us? Are we reluctant to share our struggles because no one will understand? Are we worried that we will be rejected because of our faults? read more

Rose-colored glasses

I haven’t posted in a while. The world has been chaotic recently. I don’t really know what to say. Or how to say it.

Maybe saying nothing is what many of us need to do. When we don’t fully comprehend or understand something when we cant truly understand what other people feel, maybe its time to listen.

We cannot fully understand or comprehend something when we do not pay attention, when we do not listen. We need to hear what other people have to say, we need to try and expand our understanding outside of our comfort zone. read more