Category: Suicide

I Don’t Have Time for This

Yesterday someone posed a question to me.
“How has your relationship to the concept of TIME changed (if it has) since not being suicidal?”

After hearing this I laughed and thought, completely, utterly and yet not at all.

First off what is time?
According to Merriam-Webster

Time – noun
1 The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues.
2 A nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future. read more

So far

Where to start?
I guess I could start at the beginning and tell you all about the traumas and PTSD, my failings and grievances.
I think ill start by telling you where I am now.

I live in the forest on Orcas Island, in the middle of a nature preserve. I am surrounded by the eagle, the deer, the owl.
I’ve been here for 9 months now and each day I awake to a new wonder, the unfolding and ever changing splendor of nature.
Recently I adopted a 12 year old shepherd/husky mix, she spends the days napping and chasing birds or the occasional raccoon.
Over these 9 months I have witnessed the land go from Fall to Winter to Spring. Seeing the forest slowly go from a vibrant green to a sullen grey as winter arrived only to emerge now in a vibrant explosion of verdant green. This makes me think of how life is somewhat the same. We go from times of joy and happiness, to times of pain and suffering and if we can just sit be with ourselves in the times of pain and suffering and listen to life, we can yet again come back to times of joy and happiness. Its in the darkness that we begin to understand the dichotomy of existence, that we find the light. read more

A Puzzling Predicament

Today is my anniversary, my second birthday.

By the end of March 2018, I had decided that suicide was the best solution to my dilemma.

In the weeks leading up to the end of March, I had found myself in an unimaginable hell. I could see no way out of the deep dark hole I had fallen into. I had decided that taking my own life was the best solution.

How wrong I was.

I had decided that March 31st was it. I had all my plans in place and was ready. But something didn’t seem right. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that just maybe there was another way. If life was truly so horrible wouldn’t everyone end up killing themselves? I had no answers to that question. read more

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Alone, Isolated, Depressed

As we fall further into despair we isolate ourselves, we stop socializing, we withdraw from the community. When we do this the meaningful feedback and conversation we partake in diminish as well.

The only voice we hear is our own. What are the conversations we have?

Life is miserable

I am a bad person

No one would notice if I were not here anymore

I am stuck and nothing will ever change

Nothing I do is successful

Our internal conversations become louder and more frequent. They feed on themselves and we start to spiral down further and further into darkness. We have no other point of reference except the stories we keep telling ourselves. Ask yourself, where you first heard those conversations, whose voice they were in? I would guess the answer is the voice was your own. read more

Stop calling it Suicide

Suicide, Suicide, Suicide!

What does that even mean?

From Etymology Online

Suicide (n): The deliberate killing of oneself. 1650s, from Modern Latin suicidium “suicide,” from Latin sui “of oneself” (genitive of se “self”), from PIE *s(u)w-o- “one’s own,” from root *s(w)e- (see idiom) + -cidium “a killing,” from caedere “to slay” (from PIE root *kae-id- “to strike”).

Why isn’t it murder? What is it, if not premeditated murder upon oneself. read more

The Shambling Suicide Beast

The shambling suicide beast is what I call it. In the darkest times of my despair, it would arrive, from somewhere on the dark horizon of my mind it would appear, on the edges of my perception, it would come crashing through my inner landscape to bear down on me, crushing the will to live from my soul.

I wasn’t constantly suicidal. Some days were OK, most days weren’t. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is “I’m going to kill myself”, and 10 is “I can’t believe how great life is” , I look back and think maybe I was at a muted 3 with frequent forays into the depths of -5. Nowadays I would say I flow right around a 7. read more

The Energy of Suicide

We spend an immense amount of time planning, scheming, and plotting. All in order to do one thing: to not live. We research which is the best way to murder ourselves, which technique will yield the desired result with the least amount of suffering or pain. We research the best way to die, hoping we don’t Fuck It Up.

Why do I use the word murder? Because that’s just what it is, it’s the premeditated killing of one human by another. you are killing YOU. When we are in this state we may not be able to clearly see who we are. We have forgotten. read more