On Jumping Rope

How is jumping rope just like life?

A few weeks ago, I hired a coach with a specific goal in mind, cut 10 min off my 10K time at Ancient Lakes in April 2023. That is roughly five months to reduce 10K by 1 min per kilometer. I didn’t think those numbers through, and in retrospect, it may be a bit aggressive. But I know I can do it.

So, where does the jump rope come in? Part of my prescribed training plan includes jumping rope one day a week. there are two options 45 double unders or 90 singles. Since I can’t do double unders, yet, I am doing singles. Oh, and I get to do ten sets of that in 30 minutes. Easy I thought. read more

Suicidal Ideation and the Kobayashi Maru

I am frequently looking for things that can help explain the state of suicidal ideation. Something that shows just how difficult the state is for the individual and also maybe poses a solution to the problem. Recently I was thinking of Star Trek and I was pondering the “Kobayashi Maru”. It dawned upon me that the Kobayashi Maru simulation is very similar to the suicidal state. It presents the person with a no-win situation that seems impossible. Where the only solution is not a solution when viewed from the inside of the simulation. One has to go outside the simulation and change the rules to succeed. read more

Fear of Falling

I decided to get out of town for a few days. I needed a break. The nonstop onslaught of political news was dying down. We have leadership that is committed to dealing with the crisis we are all experiencing. I was weary from staying at home for so long. I needed a change of environs. So I booked an Airbnb and decided to have a small retreat just for myself.

I haven’t read the news in 3 days now. I sometimes find myself opening the CNN or local news website, but I catch myself and shut it down. I have spent my hours thinking, writing, and just being. My stress level has dropped considerably. read more

The Red Hand of Confusion

Sometimes we are so blinded by our own perspective we cannot see what is really happening around us. What we believe is taking place may or may not be accurate. How then can we truly see anything?

Many years ago I was living with my partner. On this particular day, I had started work on expanding the footprint of our chicken coop. I had been outside working for several hours when my partner came outside and asked if I could go to the store and buy her some tampons. As the store was just a short distance away and I needed a break any way I jumped in my truck and drove a few blocks to the local grocery store. read more

Making the Darkness Visible

I have always been very open about who I am and the struggles I have gone through. I hide none of it and don’t intend to. As a culture and society, we are reluctant to share our deep dark secrets, the things we have struggled with, and where we think we have failed. Life can be an absolute shit show at times, if we can accept this and examine it, we can grow.

Why do we do this? Are we afraid of what people will think of us? Are we reluctant to share our struggles because no one will understand? Are we worried that we will be rejected because of our faults? read more

Rose-colored glasses

I haven’t posted in a while. The world has been chaotic recently. I don’t really know what to say. Or how to say it.

Maybe saying nothing is what many of us need to do. When we don’t fully comprehend or understand something when we cant truly understand what other people feel, maybe its time to listen.

We cannot fully understand or comprehend something when we do not pay attention, when we do not listen. We need to hear what other people have to say, we need to try and expand our understanding outside of our comfort zone. read more

My Experience of Me

It all started out with me posting this on social media

Between what I think, what I want to say, what I believe I am saying, what I say, what you want to hear, what you hear, what you believe you understand, what you want to understand and what you understood, there are at least nine possibilities for misunderstanding. – Francois Garagnon

This quote reminded me of a quote by Cooley

I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
― Charles Horton Cooley read more

Following threads

As I sat in the coffee shop across from my partner and next to my son that Sunday afternoon something happened. As I sat there I looked over to the table next to us where 3 college students were chatting and goofing around. On the table in front of them sat a book, On the spine, it read “Gravity’s Rainbow – Thomas Pynchon”. It struck a note in me and I looked it up on Google. In reading the Wikipedia article about it I noticed the mention of Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce. Some time ago someone had mentioned Finnegans Wake to me, as I have a small collection of “difficult books”. read more

A Puzzling Predicament

Today is my anniversary, my second birthday.

By the end of March 2018, I had decided that suicide was the best solution to my dilemma.

In the weeks leading up to the end of March, I had found myself in an unimaginable hell. I could see no way out of the deep dark hole I had fallen into. I had decided that taking my own life was the best solution.

How wrong I was.

I had decided that March 31st was it. I had all my plans in place and was ready. But something didn’t seem right. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that just maybe there was another way. If life was truly so horrible wouldn’t everyone end up killing themselves? I had no answers to that question. read more

And then the Overwhelm

What is happening?

We all are experiencing something that we had yet to experience. Things are chaotic and wild. New information bombards us with an intense frequency. Fear, panic, malaise, trepidation.

What are we to do?

How about nothing?

Let’s go back 3 months ago. We had no idea this was coming. We went about our lives as we usually do. Things seemed OK. We had lower levels of anxiety and fear. Our schedules were just as they always were. In effect, we went about our daily lives as we normally do. read more