“We create the world that we perceive, not because there is no reality outside our heads, but because we select and edit the reality we see to conform to our beliefs about what sort of world we live in. The man who believes that the resources of the world are infinite, for example, or that if something is good for you then the more of it the better, will not be able to see his errors, because he will not look for evidence of them. For a man to change the basic beliefs that determine his perception – his epistemological premises – he must first become aware that reality is not necessarily as he believes it to be. Sometimes the dissonance between reality and false beliefs reaches a point when it becomes impossible to avoid the awareness that the world no longer makes sense. Only then is it possible for the mind to consider radically different ideas and perceptions.”
― Gregory Bateson
For me, this quote sums up the suicidal state better than any other. When I was stuck in the suicidal state the world no longer made sense. That was why I was going to check out. There wasn’t anything else, there was no place else.
What is reality? According to the dictionary:
re·al·i·ty
/rēˈalədē/
noun
- the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.
“he refuses to face reality” - the state or quality of having existence or substance.
“youth, when death has no reality”
What “actually” exists? What is the state of things?
What actually exists? This is up for interpretation. What if everything and yet nothing exists? Do the things that exist for me also exist for you? I would propose that no, they don’t. When I was suicidal the reality I existed in was unique to me. No one shared it, otherwise, they would most likely have been suicidal as well. It was a dark, terror-filled, anxiety-ridden, reality. This was the reality I had created, that I had manifested, that I lived in.
What is the state of things? The state of things is just that, the state of things. It is nebulous and yet clear. It’s nebulous because we can’t fully grasp it, it’s clear because we believe it to be so. Take for instance if I wear glasses, sometimes they get dirty through use, smudges and scratches distort my vision, my view of the world around me. Until I remove them and clean them up I cannot see what is actually in front of me accurately. My view of the world around me when my glasses are dirty is altered, when they are clean I can see more clearly. When we are in a suicidal state our glasses are dirty, soiled by our beliefs, our traumas and struggles. What happens when I have worn my glasses for so long and yet never gone to the doctor for a new prescription when I have never taken them off to clean them. I start to just believe that the state of things is as I see them.
My mind was full of false beliefs, That life was miserable, that I was a bad person, that no matter how hard I tried nothing worked out. Everything I did was a struggle. In this place, I was confirming my own beliefs, It was a horrible feedback loop, a carousel of madness, that I couldn’t step off of. The world no longer made sense.
Therapy for me was a disaster. I would sit in the therapist’s office, talk about my troubles and strife, and the therapist would confirm my beliefs. Not intentionally of course, what else did they have to work with. I needed a new prescription, I needed to step off the carousel. But the carousel was all that existed for me.
I needed help. Who could challenge me and help me see the mad carousel ride was all my own doing? How could I step away and see things differently? How could I clean my own glasses?
To be continued in the next post…