Where to start?
I guess I could start at the beginning and tell you all about the traumas and PTSD, my failings and grievances.
I think ill start by telling you where I am now.
I live in the forest on Orcas Island, in the middle of a nature preserve. I am surrounded by the eagle, the deer, the owl.
I’ve been here for 9 months now and each day I awake to a new wonder, the unfolding and ever changing splendor of nature.
Recently I adopted a 12 year old shepherd/husky mix, she spends the days napping and chasing birds or the occasional raccoon.
Over these 9 months I have witnessed the land go from Fall to Winter to Spring. Seeing the forest slowly go from a vibrant green to a sullen grey as winter arrived only to emerge now in a vibrant explosion of verdant green. This makes me think of how life is somewhat the same. We go from times of joy and happiness, to times of pain and suffering and if we can just sit be with ourselves in the times of pain and suffering and listen to life, we can yet again come back to times of joy and happiness. Its in the darkness that we begin to understand the dichotomy of existence, that we find the light.
Over the course of my 53 years I have been an addict, an alcoholic, and suicidal, among other things. I came out of the grips of addiction in my late 20’s, many years later I went to rehab for alcohol addiction, 6 years ago I had decided that taking my own life was a good solution to life.
I had arrived in a place where life didn’t make sense anymore, where the pain and suffering was too overwhelming to even bear any longer. I wrote “suicide letters” to the people who I felt needed an explanation, I had put my financial affairs in order, so that my 2 young sons would be taken care of. In a few days I would end it all.
Then a curious thing happened.
I could not get the thought out of my mind, that if what I was experiencing was real, then wouldn’t everyone eventually commit suicide?
I accidentally found a “suicidologist”, yes there are therapists who only deal with suicidal ideation, this was a surprise to me.
I filled out the online form on the website I had found and 20 minutes later I received a text on my phone from a “suicidologist”, I’ll call this person “F” . This was a Wednesday, I had an appointment Saturday with death. He said he could meet me Friday. What did I have to lose?
In short, I didn’t make it to my Saturday appointment with death. I’m still here. I see and experience myself and the world in a very different way. I am alive. Finally.
Over the course of 4 months I saw “F” twice a week, each session was 2 hours long. During that time we delved into the depths of my soul, we peered into the darkness, we examined the light. For so much of my life I had always been rewarded for being logical and analytical. These were the swords I had fallen upon. Using play, curiosity and imagination was the prescription I was now given.
It was up to me to fill the prescription.
During many of my trials and tribulations I felt utterly alone, shut off, isolated, mired in my own despair.
Each time I hit “rock bottom” I somehow knew I needed help. There was a small voice in me that said “reach out, ask for help”
I am so glad I listened.
I have been at MCG for 14 years now. Looking at that number I am surprised, its half of my professional career. During my tenure at MCG I have had to use FMLA twice, once for alcohol addiction, once for when I became suicidal. Of course I could feel shame and guilt over that. But I don’t, I feel nothing but gratitude. The management team at MCG has always “had my back”, they have supported me in whatever I was going through. MCG has created a family, a support system, a place where we all support each other without judgement. MCG is a model for how to create a caring workplace.
I feel that I have been given a gift. My own life.
In my spare time I work with people who are struggling, who can find no way out. If I can help just one person alter the course of their life, that’s all I ask for.
I’ll end this with a quote.
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away” – Pablo Picasso