Glitch, Author at Welcome

On Jumping Rope

How is jumping rope just like life?

A few weeks ago, I hired a coach with a specific goal in mind, cut 10 min off my 10K time at Ancient Lakes in April 2023. That is roughly five months to reduce 10K by 1 min per kilometer. I didn’t think those numbers through, and in retrospect, it may be a bit aggressive. But I know I can do it.

So, where does the jump rope come in? Part of my prescribed training plan includes jumping rope one day a week. there are two options 45 double unders or 90 singles. Since I can’t do double unders, yet, I am doing singles. Oh, and I get to do ten sets of that in 30 minutes. Easy I thought.

I haven’t jumped rope in forever. I never played at that when I was a child. FOREVER

The first week, I started the jumping, and every 7-10 jumps, I would tangle myself up in some way or another. Then start again, for each set, I had to start over ten times or so to get to 90. I was so frustrated, and the more frustrated I became, the worse my jumping became. It was frustrating.

The second week I was able to do 20-30 without the tangle. Progress.

By the 3rd week, I could do 40-50 consecutive jumps. It felt so good.

Now, something happens to me when I get up there, I get tired. When that happens, I start focusing on the jumping, paying attention to the slap of the rope as it just barely hits the ground, feeling the tightness in my shoulder, wondering if I’m at the right cadence to keep it going, counting, 45, 46, 47 oops., dammit! UGH, I suck at this! Frustration, anger, all being stirred up inside me.

When I’m focusing on all these things, I inevitably tangle myself up.

The more I pay attention to what I’m doing, the less I can do it successfully.

This makes no sense initially.

So I stop, I unfocus my mind and my gaze from what I am trying to do, and just let go.

70, I just did 70 consecutive jumps. YES!

Why is it that when I don’t focus on the jumping, I can jump rope?

I think it’s this. Our minds are wonderfully analytical machines, able to analyze multiple things simultaneously, processing and prioritizing myriad things simultaneously. That’s all well and good. But when you have no idea how to do a thing, how can the mind/brain help you? You are analyzing things without enough information. So basically, I’m analyzing my jumping and have no idea how to jump. So whatever I think I need to be doing is probably on shaky ground, to begin with.

By taking the time and feeling my way into it, I develop a cadence that works for me. The more I focus on the task, the less capable I am of doing it. When I let go and “Do” instead of “Try,” I struggle less with the rope and my movement. Things begin to flow naturally.

90, I just did 90 consecutive jumps.

So now I can jump rope without trying to jump rope.

Just Like Life….

Try it sometime.

Suicidal Ideation and the Kobayashi Maru

I am frequently looking for things that can help explain the state of suicidal ideation. Something that shows just how difficult the state is for the individual and also maybe poses a solution to the problem. Recently I was thinking of Star Trek and I was pondering the “Kobayashi Maru”. It dawned upon me that the Kobayashi Maru simulation is very similar to the suicidal state. It presents the person with a no-win situation that seems impossible. Where the only solution is not a solution when viewed from the inside of the simulation. One has to go outside the simulation and change the rules to succeed.

Suicidal Ideation and the Kobayashi Maru

The Kobayashi Maru scenario is a famous no-win scenario that was part of the curriculum for command-track cadets at Starfleet Academy in the 23rd century. It was primarily used to assess a cadet’s discipline, character, and command capabilities when facing an impossible situation, as there is no (legitimate) strategy that will result in a successful outcome.

The test primarily consisted of the cadet placed in command of a starship. The ship would soon receive a distress signal from the Kobayashi Maru, a civilian freighter within the Klingon Neutral Zone that had been heavily damaged. Being the only ship in range, the cadet usually either chose to withdraw from the rescue mission or enter the neutral zone and rescue the vessel at risk of violating the treaties. The ship would then be confronted by Klingon K’t’inga-class battle cruisers, which typically engaged in a firefight.

It was considered an absolute no-win scenario because it was virtually impossible for the cadet to simultaneously save the Kobayashi Maru, avoid a fight with the Klingons and escape from the neutral zone with the starship intact. A cadet’s choice of how to handle the rescue operation gave great insight into his or her command decision-making.

Quoted from https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru_scenario

Attributes of the Kobayashi Maru
It is Unwinnable
It is Impossible
It is Hopeless
There is no legitimate solution within the confines of the “simulation”
This all seems to align very closely with suicidal ideation. For the person in a suicidal state, there is no way out.

Bateson’s Double Bind

The Kobayashi Maru presents a Double Bind, there is no way to resolve the issue within the parameters of the system.
it is a psychological predicament in which a person receives from a single source conflicting messages that allow no appropriate response to be made.

Source of the Double Bind – The Starfleet Academy
Message 1 Save the Kobayashi Maru
Message 2 Avoid fighting the Klingons
Message 3 Escape with the starship intact

Due to the design of the simulation, it is impossible, a true double bind, a no-win situation. There is no way out.

How is this similar to Suicidal Ideation?
The suicidal person has created a “simulation” where no matter what they do they lose, it’s a double bind, it’s a no-win situation. One of the many solutions out of this state is to change the simulation.

James T. Kirk took the test three times while at Starfleet Academy. Before his third attempt, Kirk surreptitiously reprogrammed the simulator so that it was possible to rescue the freighter. Despite having cheated, Kirk was awarded a commendation for “original thinking”. This fact is revealed in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, as Kirk, Saavik and others are marooned. Saavik accuses Kirk of never having faced the no-win scenario. Kirk replies that he does not believe in it, so he changed the conditions of the test.

Quoted from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru

The only way Kirk succeeded in winning the simulation was to actually go outside the simulation and change the parameters about how it worked.

Kirk hacked the simulation.

Fear of Falling

I decided to get out of town for a few days. I needed a break. The nonstop onslaught of political news was dying down. We have leadership that is committed to dealing with the crisis we are all experiencing. I was weary from staying at home for so long. I needed a change of environs. So I booked an Airbnb and decided to have a small retreat just for myself.

I haven’t read the news in 3 days now. I sometimes find myself opening the CNN or local news website, but I catch myself and shut it down. I have spent my hours thinking, writing, and just being. My stress level has dropped considerably.

I went for a run yesterday in the mountains. It was a tough slog, 6 miles total with around 2000 feet of elevation gain in the first 3 miles. I’ll be honest I didn’t actually run the whole thing uphill. Some of it was so steep I slowed to a fast walk. At the top of the trail, I ate a bit, had some water, and stood there staring at the view below. Then I prepped myself mentally for the downhill as I worked my way back to the trailhead. When I say that I am meaning I was thinking how difficult it may be, that’s a lot of downhill, which can wreak havoc on the legs, not to mention the fear of falling.

As I was running downhill, I became aware of just how much it was like a controlled fall. I began wondering about the sheer amount of perceptual information processing was taking place to keep me from actually falling. The trail was covered in dirt, gravel, rocks, and roots. Sunlight was intermittent as its rays peeked out between trees and foliage. I was moving at a rapid clip. With each footfall, I could potentially step wrong, and that would be it. Down I would go. But yet somehow, I maintained my footing. My mind, in concert with my eyes and ears, somehow kept me moving forward safely. How is this possible? I certainly wasn’t making a conscious effort to do any of this.

The constant change of the trail, coupled with the shifting sight and sound, was somehow processed in such a way that I was safe and successful. This all happened on a level that I wasn’t aware of. Our sensory system collects all the information about what is around us and directs the system as a whole to keep it safe and injury-free. If I were to do otherwise, like intentionally looking off to my left or right or closing my eyes and not looking forward, I would most likely stumble and fall.

I began wondering how this experience was related to life in general. We spend so much time distracted in one way or another, and we live in a world of Facebook, Twitter, news, and text messages. All pulling our attention in one direction or another. Potentially causing us to focus on something other than what is right in front of us. We become flooded with information that may or may not be pertinent to where we actually are or are going. Sitting at my desk right now in the rented Airbnb, I am looking at the screen while I write this, occasionally glancing out the window at the beautiful sight of the waterfront as the snow falls lightly on the deck. I focus on what is in front of me, no news sites, no Twitter, my phone is across the room charging. Did anyone message me in the last 30 minutes, what is happening at home, what are the current COVID numbers, are protests going on anywhere? None of that really matters to what I am doing right now and sitting here writing.

The internal systems that are tuned to keep me safe would take that additional information from these sources and try to apply it to what I am now doing. Which most likely would not be applicable or beneficial to me as my anxiety level would likely increase.

So what does all this mean?

For me, it is a reminder to stay in the present, slow down, and be in the “now.”

The Red Hand of Confusion

Sometimes we are so blinded by our own perspective we cannot see what is really happening around us. What we believe is taking place may or may not be accurate. How then can we truly see anything?

Many years ago I was living with my partner. On this particular day, I had started work on expanding the footprint of our chicken coop. I had been outside working for several hours when my partner came outside and asked if I could go to the store and buy her some tampons. As the store was just a short distance away and I needed a break any way I jumped in my truck and drove a few blocks to the local grocery store.

I had a short list of things to buy and wandered the store and collected them in my basket, the last item to find was tampons. My partner had told me very specific instructions about which ones to buy. So I find the feminine hygiene aisle and am immediately bombarded with the myriad of choices presented on the shelf.

I stand there scanning the shelf for the right ones. Well, as luck would have it I had forgotten my eyeglasses and couldn’t read the print on the boxes at all. So I started taking the boxes off the shelf one by one to read the labels. Pick one off the shelf read it put it back on the shelf, over and over again. I wasn’t having any luck finding the particular brand and type. Stepping back a bit and gazing at the shelf I noticed something which was alarming. Many of the boxes had what looked like red splotches all over the front of them. Stepping closer to the shelf I can now clearly see that they appear to be bloody handprints on the front of each box.

I am suddenly stuck with horror. Why would the tampon packages have what look like blood on them, to me this seemed an absolutely horrible marketing decision. Who in their right mind would put what looks like bloody handprints on the front of a tampon box. What horribly poor taste.

I really couldn’t get over the fact that this was actually a thing. That some marketing department somewhere had done this. I shook my head and glanced down, in doing so I saw something that struck me. I had red stuff all over my right hand. Now a new horror filled my mind. How the hell did the red stuff on the front of those packages get all over me, this seems really bad, whose blood is on me?

As I said I had been working on the chicken coop prior to going to the store. Chicken wire can be very sharp and if you aren’t careful you can cut yourself.

I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS BLEEDING

Those were my handprints on the boxes of tampons.

This wasn’t some marketing decision gone horribly wrong. I was the culprit.

Initially, I didn’t have all the information, I was struck by my limited view of what was happening. By slowing down a bit and expanding my view it became apparent what part I played in this mess.

What we think may be happening may or may not be accurate. It is upon us to slow down, expand our view, and ascertain things from a different perspective. When we do this we can gather more information with which we can make a more informed diagnosis of what is taking place.

Slow down

Look around

Try and see things from a different angle

Maybe if I had remembered my eyeglasses…

Making the Darkness Visible

I have always been very open about who I am and the struggles I have gone through. I hide none of it and don’t intend to. As a culture and society, we are reluctant to share our deep dark secrets, the things we have struggled with, and where we think we have failed. Life can be an absolute shit show at times, if we can accept this and examine it, we can grow.

Why do we do this? Are we afraid of what people will think of us? Are we reluctant to share our struggles because no one will understand? Are we worried that we will be rejected because of our faults?

Are we afraid that if people knew our struggles that they may think less of us? Of course, we are! I would propose that when we don’t speak honestly and truthfully that the same thing happens. You can’t control what others see you as they will make that shit up anyway. That’s their story, not yours. Only by being open and honest can we create our own story. A story based on truth and integrity.

Someone once said to me, “If you don’t define yourself, others will do it for you”

Why is this all so hard?

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
C.G. Jung

I think we make it so difficult because peering into the darkness is scary, uncomfortable, and seems illogical. If we want to feel better, to change, we just need to ignore the darkness.

Right?

Wrong.

As I have written about before you cannot have light without darkness, or vice versa. Only by examining the dark can we understand the light. Only by digging in the dark and unearthing what is there can we find the buried treasure of the self.

At first glance, it seems that it would be easier to look where it isn’t so dark. Where its easier to see. This is called the Street Light Effect

A policeman sees a drunk man searching for something under a streetlight and asks what the drunk has lost. He says he lost his keys and they both look under the streetlight together. After a few minutes the policeman asks if he is sure he lost them here, and the drunk replies, no, and that he lost them in the park. The policeman asks why he is searching here, and the drunk replies, “this is where the light is”

This is a type of observational bias, where we search for something where its easiest to look. Of course its easier to look under the street lamp. But is that where you lost the key?

Maybe you need to get a flashlight. And a shovel.

Rose-colored glasses

I haven’t posted in a while. The world has been chaotic recently. I don’t really know what to say. Or how to say it.

Maybe saying nothing is what many of us need to do. When we don’t fully comprehend or understand something when we cant truly understand what other people feel, maybe its time to listen.

We cannot fully understand or comprehend something when we do not pay attention, when we do not listen. We need to hear what other people have to say, we need to try and expand our understanding outside of our comfort zone.

I’ll admit I am part of the problem, I am a successful white male. The system has been set up so that I can be successful. The list of things in my past that if the color of my skin was different or my ancestry was different, my situation today would be not what it is.

I come from a place of privilege, where the color of my skin and my gender both contribute to my current situation in life. I have been aware of this for a good portion of my adult life. But what have I done to change it? Not much.

I donate to causes I believe in, I try and not make decisions based on someone else’s race, gender, or religion. But I am sure I fail at times. That isn’t an excuse it is my reality.

Sometimes it is hard to see, where did I fail? Did I cross the street because of the “shady” looking character coming towards me? Did I discount someone’s opinion or thoughts because of their gender? Did I not listen openly to someone because I don’t agree with their religion or spiritual beliefs?

I have done all of these things.

This is where the term “Systemic” comes in. I am part of the system, the system was designed for me. The things I have trouble seeing are due to the systemic nature of the system.

We are blinded to things outside the system, that live on the margins of the system. The lens we view things through is designed this way, it protects us it makes us feel comfortable.

To get to the truth of a thing we have to abandon our views and beliefs about it. We have to discard our “Rose-colored glasses.” We have to pay attention, we have to start to listen.

My Experience of Me

It all started out with me posting this on social media

Between what I think, what I want to say, what I believe I am saying, what I say, what you want to hear, what you hear, what you believe you understand, what you want to understand and what you understood, there are at least nine possibilities for misunderstanding. – Francois Garagnon

This quote reminded me of a quote by Cooley

I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
― Charles Horton Cooley

Then someone suggested that I read RD Laing’s “The politics of experience” which states

I see you, and you see me. I experience you, and you experience me. I see your behaviour. You see my behaviour. But I do not and never have and never will see your experience of me. Just as you cannot “see” my experience of you. My experience of you is not “inside” me. It is simply you, as I experience you. And I do not experience you as inside me. Similarly, I take it that you do not experience me as inside you.

This brings me to ponder a few things.

How do I experience me?

What is my understanding of me?

What is me?

If my beliefs about myself are viewed through my experience of myself which is based on my behaviors then what? Or are they based on your behavior?

What if my beliefs and experience of self are based on the flawed presumption of me seeing me through what I believe you think I am?

If my understanding of self is seated in the belief that I am what I think you think I am then what is my experience of me?

It would seem that my experience of myself is flawed because I am creating the experience of self, based on what I believe you think I am.

Is it that my experience of self is simply what you reflect back to me filtered by your experience of both me and you which is then filtered by my own experience which is then muddled with the myriad misunderstandings of what I think I am and what you think you are and vice versa?

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for today and I ended up with way more questions than answers. As it should be.

Following threads

As I sat in the coffee shop across from my partner and next to my son that Sunday afternoon something happened. As I sat there I looked over to the table next to us where 3 college students were chatting and goofing around. On the table in front of them sat a book, On the spine, it read “Gravity’s Rainbow – Thomas Pynchon”. It struck a note in me and I looked it up on Google. In reading the Wikipedia article about it I noticed the mention of Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce. Some time ago someone had mentioned Finnegans Wake to me, as I have a small collection of “difficult books”.

I jumped up and said I’ll be right back. My partner and son looked at me surprised at my announcement. I exited the coffee shop and went across the street to the book store. I went to the information desk and asked the employee there if they had a copy of Finnegan’s Wake. She looked up at me and smiled, a slight twinkle of knowing in her eye. She typed something into the computer and then said, “we do have a copy I think” We then walked through the store chatting about difficult books like House of Leaves and Ship of Theseus. We found the one copy of Finnegan’s Wake and I bought it.

Exiting the book store I was ecstatic at finding the book I didn’t know I needed. Full of glee and giddiness I walked back across the street to the coffee shop. Showing my new book to my table mates with a huge smile on my face. They looked at me like I had lost my mind. I may have.

I was so proud of my purchase. Opening it like it was a finely wrapped Christmas present I was struck by its seemingly nonsensical array of verbiage. What is this I thought, it must make some sense? What if it doesn’t, is that OK? Am I missing something? None of that mattered, what mattered was that in buying the book something in me was triggered.

The train back home wasn’t due to leave for several hours. As we waited I read snippets of Joyce’s magnum opus, I thought and pondered and daydreamed. Finally, later in the day, we wandered to the train station. As it was a holiday weekend the train was rather full, the 3 of us were separated and we found seats.

As the train left the station I started thinking about the “difficult books” in my collection. Proud of my new addition to that subsection of my library. House of Leaves has captivated me for a while, its story woven directly into the catawampus typography that its story is presented in. Next to it on the shelf is “Ship of Theseus”, I have not read this tome yet. I intend to but just haven’t.

As I sat there I typed in “Ship of Theseus” into Google. Expecting to find the book, I was surprised to find something else. I found that the Wikipedia article for “Ship of Theseus” actually refers to a thought experiment that centers around the metaphysics of identity. What is this I thought, is this experiment based on the book or is it the other way around the book being based on the thought experiment?

Well, Plato and Heraclitus were certainly around before JJ Abrams, and 500 BC was a long time ago. So let’s attribute it to them.

If it is supposed that the famous ship sailed by the hero Theseus in a great battle was kept in a harbour as a museum piece, and as the years went by some of the wooden parts began to rot and were replaced by new ones; then, after a century or so, every part had been replaced. The question then is if the “restored” ship is still the same object as the original.

If it is then supposed that each of the removed pieces were stored in a warehouse, and after the century, technology developed to cure their rotting and enabled them to be put back together to make a ship, then the question is if this “reconstructed” ship is still the original ship. And if so, then the question also regards the restored ship in the harbour still being the original ship as well – Wikipedia

Reading this I dove straight down into the whirlpool of my own thought experiment. As I have gone through life I have changed considerably, replacing parts of myself with other parts over time. Leaving the old rotted parts of myself somewhere. What happened to the old me, what happened to the rotted parts of me? Am I still me or is it something other? Who am I now, what was I then? Is the old me the same as the new me or am I something else altogether?

So many questions, and no answers.

As I emerged from my suicidal morass, I was certainly not the same anymore. But what am I? What happened to the drug addict me? What happened to the alcoholic me? The me who wanted to end my own life? Did all of those pieces still exist in this thing I call me? Or was it something different?

One thing I learned in my “therapy” was to start asking more questions and forget trying to find answers. I took this and ran with it.

One precept that I hold onto is, that I am me and I am also you, just as you are you but you are also me. This is a crazy-making thought at first, but once I tried it on it fit well, like a fine suit tailored just for me. In a way it had really changed me, I try and treat others as I would treat myself and to act in a much more loving and kind way. Would I ever want you to take your own life? Never! How then could I take my own?

OK, I know a lot of this may not make any sense at all and I may have introduced so many things that it may be confusing. Let’s slow it down.

Let’s assume a few things:

I am me
I am you
You are you
You are me
Time isn’t linear and instead, everything is happening all at once.

Suspend your disbelief for a while, Its gonna get crazier.

Taking the Ship of Theseus and examining it, I looked deeply into what it may mean. What if as I changed over time, as I replaced the rotted boards on my deck, I became something else? What then am I? Am I still me? Am I not me? Who is me?

Where did the old rotted boards go, and after replacing all of the rotted boards and stored them away, am I still me? And after replacing all the parts am I still what I was? And if you were to take all the old rotted pieces and reassemble them would there be another me?

What if as we change over time we leave imprints of us that still exist now? What if all those versions of me still exist and all that I encounter is actually me? This certainly fits into the idea that I am me and I am also you, just as you are you but you are also me.

If we overlay that with the idea that time isn’t linear and instead it is happening all at once. What do we end up with?

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

-William Stafford

What if time has always been unfolded?

A Puzzling Predicament

Today is my anniversary, my second birthday.

By the end of March 2018, I had decided that suicide was the best solution to my dilemma.

In the weeks leading up to the end of March, I had found myself in an unimaginable hell. I could see no way out of the deep dark hole I had fallen into. I had decided that taking my own life was the best solution.

How wrong I was.

I had decided that March 31st was it. I had all my plans in place and was ready. But something didn’t seem right. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that just maybe there was another way. If life was truly so horrible wouldn’t everyone end up killing themselves? I had no answers to that question.

A few days before on a whim, I just happened to type”suicide therapist seattle” into Google. I had been wondering if there were maybe therapists that specialized in Suicidality. I found this https://www.suicidetherapy.com/ . Apparently there was someone who did just this. So I made an appointment.

March 30th was the day I met “F” the suicidologist. What transpired over the next 3 months was nothing short of magical. I became something I had long forgotten about. I remembered who I was.

Sometimes we lose direction, sometimes we fall apart, sometimes we forget.

Here we are 2 years later, the world seems like its spiraling out of control, not unlike I was just 2 years ago. When things fall apart, only then can we pick up the pieces and put them back together.

It’s like trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle, that has no edge pieces and we don’t have the box with the picture on it anymore. We don’t know how many pieces there are supposed to be, and we don’t know what it will look like in the end. We need to ask questions, imagine what shape it could be, become curious as to what the assembled picture might look like. Maybe we discover some of the pieces don’t even belong to this puzzle. Maybe we realize all the pieces are the same. We need to be imaginative and curious in regards to what the final picture will look like.

Just as I was not able to reassemble myself alone, it took a wyrd therapist, friends, family, ancestors, YOU and ME, it will take us all collectively to imagine how the pieces go together.

And then the Overwhelm

What is happening?

We all are experiencing something that we had yet to experience. Things are chaotic and wild. New information bombards us with an intense frequency. Fear, panic, malaise, trepidation.

What are we to do?

How about nothing?

Let’s go back 3 months ago. We had no idea this was coming. We went about our lives as we usually do. Things seemed OK. We had lower levels of anxiety and fear. Our schedules were just as they always were. In effect, we went about our daily lives as we normally do.

So what’s different now?

Nothing is different, we cannot see where we will be 3 months from now any better than we could have seen this all happening 3 months ago.

The anxiety and fear we are experiencing are because we are trying to find answers. We are trying to anticipate what will happen. When we do this we are faced with the unknowable. We analyze all that is happening so that maybe we can ascertain what will take place in the future. The problem is all the analysis and trying to figure things out only causes us stress and anxiety.

So maybe just step back a bit and realize that life is the same as it has always been and you can’t peer into the future for answers to things that are unknowable.

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.

-The Dalai Lama