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6 years, 2190 days, 52,560 hours.
That’s the amount of time that has passed since March 28th, 2018, sometime in the mid-afternoon.

As many of you now know I was highly suicidal then. That afternoon my life changed.
I found a “therapist” via a google search that proposed something different Contextual-Conceptual Therapy (suicidetherapy.com). And I reached out for help.

I can never quite put it in words, because words don’t always convey what we experience fully.
If I try to use words, it is like this. The last 2190 days have been wonderous, beautiful, sad, joyful, rapturous, centered, grounded, scary, full of gratitude and calm.

I remember walking into F’s office that day and on a large piece of poster board resting against the wall was this quote.
“There is another world, and it is this one.”
― Paul Éluard

I remember reading those words and wondering “what am I not seeing?”.
Sometimes we can’t see what is right in front of us. The stories we tell ourselves create a certain sort of veil before our eyes that limits our perception.
But the thing is we can’t know what we aren’t seeing. How do you see something that you are blind to?

The stories I had been telling myself about who I was and why I was like that were written in bold capital letters across the landscape of my mind.

Looking back, I can now see that what I was experiencing was an inside job, something I was doing to myself for 48 years. The same stories repeated over and over and over and over. Imprinted on my mind, blurring my vision, causing me to be something I was not, I was an illusion, a ghost.

Since that fateful day I have had 52,560 hours of being different. Maybe not so much different, but I am, now who I am.

I have experienced things that had I followed through with my plans of suicide, would have never come to be.

• I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to travel halfway around the globe to attend my oldest son’s wedding.
• I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to live where I now do, on an island in the middle of a forest surrounded by nature.
• I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to adopt an elderly dog who is now my constant companion and friend.
• I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to reconnect with some of my oldest friends.
• I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to tell my family and friends that I love them.

All of that would have never happened for me.

Thank you all for being part of my life.
Life is beautiful. If you are struggling reach out for help.

I Love You All.

K

For the last 4 years, I have run the “Ancient Lakes Trail Run”
I have done the 10K 3 times now and the 25K once. I ended up really liking the 10K as a test of where I am at each year with my fitness and health.
I don’t have the desire to run the other distances for various reasons, like the time needed for training and the fact that I have the predisposition to overdo it. If you know me, you know what I mean.

Here are my times for the 10K’s

2021 – 1:10:31
2022 – 1:09:26
2023 – 1:03:09

In 2021 I trained fairly well, and I was fairly happy with the result. In 2022 I was about 1 minute faster than the year before. I figured if I could cut off a minute each year, I would eventually finish before I started when I’m 120 years old or whatever.
Seven months ago, after moving to the island, I started wondering, could I cut more than a minute off my 2023 10K time?

I thought about it for a while and decided that I would hire a trainer to get both my diet dialed in and to push me physically to a new level of fitness. My goal was to shave 10 minutes off my 10K time.

“If people are not laughing at your goals, your goals are too small.” – Azim Premji

Even I was laughing at my goal.

I thought about it and ended up hiring Chris Holt, I had followed him on Instagram for some time, and it seemed like a good match. I liked his thoughts on training, eating, and mental health.

After looking at my diet and fueling, we removed anything with added sugar, all gluten/wheat, legumes, and packaged foods.
For what seemed like my entire life, I had struggled with stomach issues. Once we removed these things, my gut became way more healthy, no more constant farting. Again if you know me, you know what I mean

What I eat on a daily basis looks like this. I eat 2 meals, one around 11 am and another at 5 pm.

1st meal.
One apple diced and poached in water with a section of cinnamon stick and a few whole cloves. I add to this some blueberries and yogurt with a teaspoon or so of honey.
3 eggs
1/2 an avocado
A small portion of meat

2nd meal
1/4-1/3 of a pound or so of meat/liver/heart/fish
a large helping of vegetables sauteed in ghee
rice or potatoes.

Its basically a ketogenic diet with some extra carbs.

Over the course of the 6 months of training, I dropped about 8.5 lbs of weight.

For training, it ended up looking like this

Monday – AMRAP, fast 3 mile run.
Tuesday – AMRAP, Sled pulls
Wednesday – AMRAP, run 6-7 miles slow
Thursday – AMRAP, Sled pulls
Friday – AMRAP
Friday or Saturday – 8-10 mile trail run

Everything was going great, 2 months ago, I was running sub 7min miles on my Monday fast run. The diet was going great, and things were really clicking. Then I started dealing with a hernia I have had for many years. It was getting worse. I have surgery scheduled for next week, but that is a whole other story.

6-7 weeks ago, I started tapering down my runs and workouts, a short time after I started tapering my left calf started seizing up, it was so tight sometimes it hurt to run. This is where I started to get really frustrated. I had spent the last months training for this one thing, I was stronger and faster than ever. Why, now when I am tapering, is this happening? Am I even going to be able to run the race?

I ran twice in the last month, and did a few AMRAPs here and there, but mostly took it very easy.

A week before the race, I was pissed off, my leg was so angry that I didn’t think I was going to be able to run. I reached out to a friend here on the island looking for a massage therapist or PT. He recommended a massage therapist. A week before the race, she opened her office on a Saturday just to see me. She worked on me for 90 minutes, I scheduled another session on Wednesday. Wednesday, she worked on me for another 90 minutes. On the way home that night I stopped at the local grocery and bought a few CBD chocolate bars. CBD can act as a muscle relaxant. I ate some before bed each night, Wednesday through Friday. By Saturday morning, my leg was 99% better than it had been. I decided to give it a go.

I was running the 10K with my good friend Bob. He is an amazing runner. We have run Ancient Lakes for the last few years, and it’s sort of a tradition now.

Out of the gate, Bob took off like a greyhound, I kept pace with him for the 3/4 mile or so then I slowed it down a notch or 3.
Overall I was feeling strong, moving well, and really enjoying it. I don’t run with a watch or anything, so I never have any idea how fast I am moving or what time it is. I usually listen to Buddhist mantras as I run, and for this race, I was doing that, I have a fairly good idea of how long each track is, so I do get some idea of timing, but it’s not perfect.

The first 4 miles went off without a hitch, I didn’t really feel like I was moving any faster than last year. The last 2 miles are fairly fast once you start the descent back to the finish line. I was moving well, but not at 100%. My left leg started having issues.
A mile out from the finish, my left knee decided to scream at me. Dammit, am I gonna have to walk the last mile?
Then out of nowhere, another runner passed me. We had been passing each other off and on the whole time. As she passed, she said, “Finish strong”, I remember thinking, “My knee is going to explode if I do that.”

I slowed way down. DAMMIT!, why now?
I could see my “finish strong” friend a ways ahead of me and decided I would pass her.

My leg was killing me, only about a half mile to the finish line. As we entered the final stretch, I could see “finish strong” ahead of me. I could also see the timing display 1:02:31. I remember thinking is that right? “Close the gap, Kurt”, I kicked it up a bit. As I passed her, she whispered, “wanna race” at me, “I don’t have anything left,” was my thought. I kicked it into overdrive. I was now a few strides ahead of her, then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her gaining on me. We crossed the finish line at exactly the same time, 1:03:09.

While I didn’t ever expect to hit my 10-minute goal (I set it that high for a reason). I am ecstatic with my performance given the challenges of the last few weeks, a leg that was angry, and a hernia that was getting worse.

So in closing, set insane goals for yourself, persevere even when you want to give up and be open to all outcomes. KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

Thank you to Chris Holt my trainer, and Bob for always goading me on to do better and to “finish strong” for pulling me through the last part of the race.

And also a Thank You to all of you. If you are reading this, I presume you are part of my life in some way or another. Thanks for being along for the ride!

Every day out here at the Edge of the World, I learn or figure out something new.

It’s been cold here for a few days, like single digits cold with a decent wind chill. I noticed yesterday morning that the water pressure seemed low. OMG, frozen pipes!!!. I didn’t think that was the issue, but it was there in the recesses of my mind. Hot water works, cold water works, no leaking pipes I can see. I can hear the well pump turn on every so often, so that’s good. The well still works.

The well is 150 feet from the cabin, but when the well pump kicks on 450 feet underground, I can hear it because it vibrates the pipes just slightly under the house in the crawlspace. It helps me to know it’s still working. This morning the temperature dipped again. My water pressure dropped a bit more.

Maybe it is the pipes freezing. Nah, it could be that.

The well pumps to a pressure tank under the cabin.

Did it freeze? Nah!

How does a pressure tank work? Well, it’s basically a big tank that has a diaphragm in it, one side is the water, and one side is pressurized air. What happens to air when it gets COLD? It shrinks! Just like how your car tire PSI drops in colder temperatures. OK, so now, how do I remedy the Issue? The wind chill has been fierce today, and I have a reasonable amount of ventilation ducts for the crawl space.

So I went out there and cut cardboard pieces to block the wind intrusion through the vents. Then I remembered there was an electrical socket near the pressure tank. When I moved in I noticed there was a cage light down there lying in the dirt. AHA! I need a lightbulb to put in the cage light to increase the temperature down there just enough. I don’t have spare lightbulbs, and LED ones won’t work. I remembered there is an overhead light in the shed, so I took that bulb and put it in the cage.

We will see if my experiment works.

Stay tuned

I am frequently looking for things that can help explain the state of suicidal ideation. Something that shows just how difficult the state is for the individual and also maybe poses a solution to the problem. Recently I was thinking of Star Trek and I was pondering the “Kobayashi Maru”. It dawned upon me that the Kobayashi Maru simulation is very similar to the suicidal state. It presents the person with a no-win situation that seems impossible. Where the only solution is not a solution when viewed from the inside of the simulation. One has to go outside the simulation and change the rules to succeed.

Suicidal Ideation and the Kobayashi Maru

The Kobayashi Maru scenario is a famous no-win scenario that was part of the curriculum for command-track cadets at Starfleet Academy in the 23rd century. It was primarily used to assess a cadet’s discipline, character, and command capabilities when facing an impossible situation, as there is no (legitimate) strategy that will result in a successful outcome.

The test primarily consisted of the cadet placed in command of a starship. The ship would soon receive a distress signal from the Kobayashi Maru, a civilian freighter within the Klingon Neutral Zone that had been heavily damaged. Being the only ship in range, the cadet usually either chose to withdraw from the rescue mission or enter the neutral zone and rescue the vessel at risk of violating the treaties. The ship would then be confronted by Klingon K’t’inga-class battle cruisers, which typically engaged in a firefight.

It was considered an absolute no-win scenario because it was virtually impossible for the cadet to simultaneously save the Kobayashi Maru, avoid a fight with the Klingons and escape from the neutral zone with the starship intact. A cadet’s choice of how to handle the rescue operation gave great insight into his or her command decision-making.

Quoted from https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru_scenario

Attributes of the Kobayashi Maru
It is Unwinnable
It is Impossible
It is Hopeless
There is no legitimate solution within the confines of the “simulation”
This all seems to align very closely with suicidal ideation. For the person in a suicidal state, there is no way out.

Bateson’s Double Bind

The Kobayashi Maru presents a Double Bind, there is no way to resolve the issue within the parameters of the system.
it is a psychological predicament in which a person receives from a single source conflicting messages that allow no appropriate response to be made.

Source of the Double Bind – The Starfleet Academy
Message 1 Save the Kobayashi Maru
Message 2 Avoid fighting the Klingons
Message 3 Escape with the starship intact

Due to the design of the simulation, it is impossible, a true double bind, a no-win situation. There is no way out.

How is this similar to Suicidal Ideation?
The suicidal person has created a “simulation” where no matter what they do they lose, it’s a double bind, it’s a no-win situation. One of the many solutions out of this state is to change the simulation.

James T. Kirk took the test three times while at Starfleet Academy. Before his third attempt, Kirk surreptitiously reprogrammed the simulator so that it was possible to rescue the freighter. Despite having cheated, Kirk was awarded a commendation for “original thinking”. This fact is revealed in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, as Kirk, Saavik and others are marooned. Saavik accuses Kirk of never having faced the no-win scenario. Kirk replies that he does not believe in it, so he changed the conditions of the test.

Quoted from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru

The only way Kirk succeeded in winning the simulation was to actually go outside the simulation and change the parameters about how it worked.

Kirk hacked the simulation.

Sometimes we are so blinded by our own perspective we cannot see what is really happening around us. What we believe is taking place may or may not be accurate. How then can we truly see anything?

Many years ago I was living with my partner. On this particular day, I had started work on expanding the footprint of our chicken coop. I had been outside working for several hours when my partner came outside and asked if I could go to the store and buy her some tampons. As the store was just a short distance away and I needed a break any way I jumped in my truck and drove a few blocks to the local grocery store.

I had a short list of things to buy and wandered the store and collected them in my basket, the last item to find was tampons. My partner had told me very specific instructions about which ones to buy. So I find the feminine hygiene aisle and am immediately bombarded with the myriad of choices presented on the shelf.

I stand there scanning the shelf for the right ones. Well, as luck would have it I had forgotten my eyeglasses and couldn’t read the print on the boxes at all. So I started taking the boxes off the shelf one by one to read the labels. Pick one off the shelf read it put it back on the shelf, over and over again. I wasn’t having any luck finding the particular brand and type. Stepping back a bit and gazing at the shelf I noticed something which was alarming. Many of the boxes had what looked like red splotches all over the front of them. Stepping closer to the shelf I can now clearly see that they appear to be bloody handprints on the front of each box.

I am suddenly stuck with horror. Why would the tampon packages have what look like blood on them, to me this seemed an absolutely horrible marketing decision. Who in their right mind would put what looks like bloody handprints on the front of a tampon box. What horribly poor taste.

I really couldn’t get over the fact that this was actually a thing. That some marketing department somewhere had done this. I shook my head and glanced down, in doing so I saw something that struck me. I had red stuff all over my right hand. Now a new horror filled my mind. How the hell did the red stuff on the front of those packages get all over me, this seems really bad, whose blood is on me?

As I said I had been working on the chicken coop prior to going to the store. Chicken wire can be very sharp and if you aren’t careful you can cut yourself.

I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS BLEEDING

Those were my handprints on the boxes of tampons.

This wasn’t some marketing decision gone horribly wrong. I was the culprit.

Initially, I didn’t have all the information, I was struck by my limited view of what was happening. By slowing down a bit and expanding my view it became apparent what part I played in this mess.

What we think may be happening may or may not be accurate. It is upon us to slow down, expand our view, and ascertain things from a different perspective. When we do this we can gather more information with which we can make a more informed diagnosis of what is taking place.

Slow down

Look around

Try and see things from a different angle

Maybe if I had remembered my eyeglasses…

This was originally written on 5-10-2018 early in the morning.

I had a great call with mom at 4:00 am. She apparently pressed the wrong button on her phone and facetime called me. I thought it was an emergency and answered it. I told her I would call her back in a few. I got up, dressed, and made a cup of coffee. Little did I know what would happen…

We talked for a bit. Mom asked how I was, I said really good. I told her a bit more about how I was, said I was on sabbatical from work, she still doesn’t want to hear what happened with me, she doesn’t know about my suicidality. She keeps asking if I had a midlife crisis. I say no (what does that mean anyway?). I tell her I am seeing a therapist 2x a week for 4 hrs total. She asks if he is a “normal” therapist. I smile and say, what does that mean? She says well, he doesn’t do Voodoo, he hasn’t hypnotized you has he? I say not he is not into Voodoo, and he has not hypnotized me, and yes, he is a therapist. She seems worried that I am into something strange (she uses the word strange). She wants to make sure I am getting “normal” treatment, she uses the word normal several times more. I assure her I am getting good treatment. And that I have not been hypnotized, and have not seen any chickens beheaded.

I then ask her to tell me about her father, Pete. Describe for me what his qualities and traits are for me. She stops and thinks. Looking up, she says, peaceful, kind, faithful, giving. She recalled Pete building things for them as Christmas presents out of wood when they were kids because they were so poor, like blocks and small toys, which Dorothy would then dye with food coloring.

She then says: They never owned a house, always living in the ranch hands house.

I ask her to describe her mother, Dorothy. Mom says: faithful, kind, loving, happy, playful, social, and used foul language, (which my Mom didn’t approve of). Mom added, she was competitive. You couldn’t beat her at anything. She always won at everything. Mom shared memories of Dorothy going to her sister’s house (Aunt Gladys) and making doll clothes for one of my mother’s dolls when she was little.

She then says that even though both Dorothy and Pete went to church all the time, they were never baptized because they smoked cigarettes. They felt that it made them never good enough for baptism. This made me sad for them. How our own perceptions limit us, keeping them from what they must have really wanted to be.

As we talked, she smiled as she looked back at these memories. As we talked, I could FEEL both Pete and Dorothy in my heart more clearly. It was beautiful. The memories and times with them start to rebuild and unfold more completely. Prior to this moment, my memories of Pete and Dorothy were clouded by their deaths, watching old age and sickness take them.

Remembering my father, I ask her about Dad. She begins: He persevered, helped people, serious, quiet, a thinker, reader, creative, entrepreneur, faithful to his mother (which at times caused some trouble). You could never beat him at trivial pursuit (he was so well read it was amazing)
We talk about Dad further. I have, for a long time, held onto the knowledge that my Dad may have had an affair. After he died, I came into possession of a lot of his things. One was a box full of journals and letters. In them, I discovered a lot of his thoughts and memories. Around the time I was born, it seemed he had an affair, but I couldn’t determine if it was accurate or not, and he wasn’t around for me to ask him. I didn’t know if she knew or if my brother knew. So I kept the knowledge to myself for the last 20 years. It’s has been heavy, disturbing, and made me question many things. Last year when I moved, I read it all one last time, sitting on the floor of my basement, sad, hurt, confused, then destroyed it all.

Then something happened with mom and me as our talk transitioned.
This morning when I talked with mom, she brought up the time that Dad was doing work for the military in the early ’70s, and his unit was investigating a woman in his unit. Mom said she had always had suspicions. I asked her about what? She said: an affair. She went on telling me what had happened and how she felt. How she confronted him and what he said. She told me how he moved out of our home for a while after I was born. I felt how hard this must have been for her after the loss of two children and then having me.

I told her I knew because I had possessed all Dad’s letters and journals since he died, and all that time, I had been carrying it around as a burden. I told her I had never said anything because it wasn’t right to tell when he wasn’t here to tell his side of the story. Not to defend himself, but to make the story clear, because it certainly wasn’t clear from old memories and letters. I told her I had destroyed it all. She thanked me. Another burden I have been able to let go of. More memories can come back, things remembered can return to me.

Sometimes things seem to have strange origins. We can’t fully put our minds around how or why they happen. I could have not called Mom back this morning. I could have been upset that she woke me up at 4 am with her errant facetime call. But I did call her back and I wasn’t upset. I just listened to the “music”. I paid attention to what was happening at the moment. That seemed to be that we should talk.

The moments where we can be present, sit with whatever is taking place and be vulnerable and compassionate are opportunities to connect and learn. The moments where we can sit, share what we are struggling with and ask questions with others to discover what has happened. To listen and be present with what has happened and how we feel is so important to our healing and also theirs.

For 20 years I had carried a dark secret, both physically and emotionally. This had caused me a lot of turmoil and struggle. Through being able, to be honest with myself and my Mom we both were able to share things that had been a burden, and in doing so we were both able to lighten our loads.