Category: Uncategorized

6 years, 2190 days, 52,560 hours.
That’s the amount of time that has passed since March 28th, 2018, sometime in the mid-afternoon.

As many of you now know I was highly suicidal then. That afternoon my life changed.
I found a “therapist” via a google search that proposed something different Contextual-Conceptual Therapy (suicidetherapy.com). And I reached out for help.

I can never quite put it in words, because words don’t always convey what we experience fully.
If I try to use words, it is like this. The last 2190 days have been wonderous, beautiful, sad, joyful, rapturous, centered, grounded, scary, full of gratitude and calm. read more

For the last 4 years, I have run the “Ancient Lakes Trail Run”
I have done the 10K 3 times now and the 25K once. I ended up really liking the 10K as a test of where I am at each year with my fitness and health.
I don’t have the desire to run the other distances for various reasons, like the time needed for training and the fact that I have the predisposition to overdo it. If you know me, you know what I mean.

Here are my times for the 10K’s

2021 – 1:10:31
2022 – 1:09:26
2023 – 1:03:09 read more

Every day out here at the Edge of the World, I learn or figure out something new.

It’s been cold here for a few days, like single digits cold with a decent wind chill. I noticed yesterday morning that the water pressure seemed low. OMG, frozen pipes!!!. I didn’t think that was the issue, but it was there in the recesses of my mind. Hot water works, cold water works, no leaking pipes I can see. I can hear the well pump turn on every so often, so that’s good. The well still works.

The well is 150 feet from the cabin, but when the well pump kicks on 450 feet underground, I can hear it because it vibrates the pipes just slightly under the house in the crawlspace. It helps me to know it’s still working. This morning the temperature dipped again. My water pressure dropped a bit more. read more

I am frequently looking for things that can help explain the state of suicidal ideation. Something that shows just how difficult the state is for the individual and also maybe poses a solution to the problem. Recently I was thinking of Star Trek and I was pondering the “Kobayashi Maru”. It dawned upon me that the Kobayashi Maru simulation is very similar to the suicidal state. It presents the person with a no-win situation that seems impossible. Where the only solution is not a solution when viewed from the inside of the simulation. One has to go outside the simulation and change the rules to succeed. read more

Sometimes we are so blinded by our own perspective we cannot see what is really happening around us. What we believe is taking place may or may not be accurate. How then can we truly see anything?

Many years ago I was living with my partner. On this particular day, I had started work on expanding the footprint of our chicken coop. I had been outside working for several hours when my partner came outside and asked if I could go to the store and buy her some tampons. As the store was just a short distance away and I needed a break any way I jumped in my truck and drove a few blocks to the local grocery store. read more

This was originally written on 5-10-2018 early in the morning.

I had a great call with mom at 4:00 am. She apparently pressed the wrong button on her phone and facetime called me. I thought it was an emergency and answered it. I told her I would call her back in a few. I got up, dressed, and made a cup of coffee. Little did I know what would happen…

We talked for a bit. Mom asked how I was, I said really good. I told her a bit more about how I was, said I was on sabbatical from work, she still doesn’t want to hear what happened with me, she doesn’t know about my suicidality. She keeps asking if I had a midlife crisis. I say no (what does that mean anyway?). I tell her I am seeing a therapist 2x a week for 4 hrs total. She asks if he is a “normal” therapist. I smile and say, what does that mean? She says well, he doesn’t do Voodoo, he hasn’t hypnotized you has he? I say not he is not into Voodoo, and he has not hypnotized me, and yes, he is a therapist. She seems worried that I am into something strange (she uses the word strange). She wants to make sure I am getting “normal” treatment, she uses the word normal several times more. I assure her I am getting good treatment. And that I have not been hypnotized, and have not seen any chickens beheaded. read more