It’s been a hard few weeks. Being open about this is hard, it exposes a lot about me.
Six weeks ago, I stepped away from a relationship I had been in for the past 4 years.
Failure, fear of being alone, the what if’s, did I end it too soon, was I not strong enough?
Failure: I gave up, I couldn’t try to make it work any longer.
Fear of being alone: This is a paradox, I enjoy being alone, but in that joy is fear.
The “what if’s”: What if I could change, what if she could change? What if I just tried harder?
Did I end it too soon?: I have never given up on me, why should I give up on us.
Strength: Was I not strong enough to keep going?
My greatest fears. Being alone, being unloved, being misunderstood.
For the first month I didn’t let myself feel anything about the relationship. I know I make poor decisions when I’m emotionally elevated and so I chose to compartmentalize my feelings for a while. Now I am letting myself feel things about what transpired. It’s not easy and a lot of those fears spring up and make me question things. That’s OK, I believe that in examining these fears I come to know and understand them and grow through them.
Dealing with love and loss is never easy, but we do grow through it and come to understand ourselves and others better through that process.
Wherever you are out there, I love you and I know you will find happiness.