The Shambling Suicide Beast

The shambling suicide beast is what I call it. In the darkest times of my despair, it would arrive, from somewhere on the dark horizon of my mind it would appear, on the edges of my perception, it would come crashing through my inner landscape to bear down on me, crushing the will to live from my soul.

I wasn’t constantly suicidal. Some days were OK, most days weren’t. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is “I’m going to kill myself”, and 10 is “I can’t believe how great life is” , I look back and think maybe I was at a muted 3 with frequent forays into the depths of -5. Nowadays I would say I flow right around a 7. read more

Asshole, I Love You.

I sat huddled on the floor, wanting to die.  There were several ways I could accomplish this grim task:  gunshot to the head, overdose, hanging.  For months, I had been through all the possible variants of murdering me in my head.

I had decided to exsanguinate myself in the bathroom, arms draped over the edge of the tub full of warm water.  I needed help, but I was embarrassed to ask for it. I was a wreck.  I had recently admitted myself to the ER in a suicidal state.  After a few hours, they sent me home. read more

Reality versus perception of Reality

“We create the world that we perceive, not because there is no reality outside our heads, but because we select and edit the reality we see to conform to our beliefs about what sort of world we live in. The man who believes that the resources of the world are infinite, for example, or that if something is good for you then the more of it the better, will not be able to see his errors, because he will not look for evidence of them. For a man to change the basic beliefs that determine his perception – his epistemological premises – he must first become aware that reality is not necessarily as he believes it to be. Sometimes the dissonance between reality and false beliefs reaches a point when it becomes impossible to avoid the awareness that the world no longer makes sense. Only then is it possible for the mind to consider radically different ideas and perceptions.”
― Gregory Bateson read more

The morning my Mother butt-dialed me

This was originally written on 5-10-2018 early in the morning.

I had a great call with mom at 4:00 am. She apparently pressed the wrong button on her phone and facetime called me. I thought it was an emergency and answered it. I told her I would call her back in a few. I got up, dressed, and made a cup of coffee. Little did I know what would happen…

We talked for a bit. Mom asked how I was, I said really good. I told her a bit more about how I was, said I was on sabbatical from work, she still doesn’t want to hear what happened with me, she doesn’t know about my suicidality. She keeps asking if I had a midlife crisis. I say no (what does that mean anyway?). I tell her I am seeing a therapist 2x a week for 4 hrs total. She asks if he is a “normal” therapist. I smile and say, what does that mean? She says well, he doesn’t do Voodoo, he hasn’t hypnotized you has he? I say not he is not into Voodoo, and he has not hypnotized me, and yes, he is a therapist. She seems worried that I am into something strange (she uses the word strange). She wants to make sure I am getting “normal” treatment, she uses the word normal several times more. I assure her I am getting good treatment. And that I have not been hypnotized, and have not seen any chickens beheaded. read more

The Energy of Suicide

We spend an immense amount of time planning, scheming, and plotting. All in order to do one thing: to not live. We research which is the best way to murder ourselves, which technique will yield the desired result with the least amount of suffering or pain. We research the best way to die, hoping we don’t Fuck It Up.

Why do I use the word murder? Because that’s just what it is, it’s the premeditated killing of one human by another. you are killing YOU. When we are in this state we may not be able to clearly see who we are. We have forgotten. read more

Does the music ever stop?

“Listen to the Music”, my therapist said this to me the first day we met. He said, “the music never stops, we just stop listening”. What was he talking about? What music? And hey I am listening!

A week ago today I was talking with a friend about “My Story” and what had happened to me. This particular friendship began just as I began my therapy, my journey out of the darkness. He has seen what I was and what I have become. As we sat there talking we started discussing what had happened to me and some of the life-changing tools and concepts I had employed. As we talked I could see something in him, that he understood and wanted to know more. Something had clicked. He asked if I had written any of this down and if I could share it. I had. read more

And then I got a haircut

I don’t know if my hair has been growing faster than normal or time is just passing in a different way. My relationship with time is nebulous at best lately. Yesterday afternoon I decided to schedule an appointment to get my hair cut. I had been going to the same stylist for over a year or so, but this time I decided to see a different stylist. I don’t know why I made this decision, it just felt right.

The stylist and I were chit-chatting as she started cutting my mop, I don’t remember what brought it on but I mentioned that I was vegan. She asked how long I had been a vegan and why I had made that decision. I told her it had been 6-8 months or so and she again asked why. I was hesitant at first as the reason I became vegan is very personal to me, but I decided what the heck. read more

And so it starts

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a dear friend and he said to me “I am headed to Danny Deardorff’s memorial service”. It took a second to register with me as I processed what he just said. I thought “oh no, Danny died.”

I didn’t personally know Danny and had never met him. But without him I know I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. Danny wrote a book called The Other Within: The Genius of Deformity in Myth, Culture, and Psyche. Early on in my journey, when things had gotten so bad I couldn’t see any way out, my therapist at the time recommended I read it. read more